How Did You Even Manage?

SATIRE

Do you ever ask yourself how you would react when it matters the most? How you’d respond during unspeakable circumstances? How you would find the strength to endure during the most staggering of situations? I Made It Through... is a documentary television series, now airing on Wifetime. In a sophisticated interview setting, I Made It Through… gives survivors the chance to share their incredible true stories, and reveal what it really took for them to make it through.

INTERVIEWER: Hi, Mabel? Thank you soooo! much! for coming in today. My name’s Jenny; I’ll be interviewing you for the show. Have you done anything like this before even?

MARJORIE: So nice to meet you. My name’s actually Marjorie… but no, I’ve never done anything for TV or anything before. It’s so crazy. And nerve-wracking. But it’s cool!

INTERVIEWER: Don’t worry, Mary J. I’ll be here for you every step of the way to walk you through it. By the way, I really want to commend you for sharing your story. I mean, I can’t imagine leaving my house after going through your experience, let alone talking about it on national television. In. Graphic. Detail. Like, there are gonna be soooo many people watching. All eyes on us. You. All eyes on you. Any-who, how are things? You feeling better?

MARJORIE: Yeah… I mean, yeah, I’m doing better. Thank you.

INTERVIEWER: You’re totally welcome, missy. You’re just so fabulous. I can’t even. How did you even manage? I could not deal. At all. If it was me who went through that crazy stuff, I would definitely become a hermit. Not even the cute kind, with a little seashell and those pinchy little claws. You know what I mean.  

MARJORIE: Hermit crabs?

INTERVIEWER: I’m a modest, completely foreseeable hermit. Some fates you just can’t escape, am I right? I can see it now… nothing to my name – it’s Julie, by the way.

MARJORIE: Julie? I thought you said-

INTERVIEWER: Except an edgy haircut and a smile! The pixie cut is very in right now. I’ll definitely want to look good while I’m foraging for leftovers on the beach. I can’t wait.

MARJORIE: I don’t mean to be short, but aren’t you going to start asking me questions? I’ve got-

INTERVIEWER: Mabel, I’m gonna have to stop you right there, diva. We’re on a very. Tight. Schedule today, mama. Now… it’s time to have a seat. This is going to be really powerful. Before we get started, I want you to do some breathing exercises. Inhale the millions, and exhale the failure. Inhale the Beyoncé, and exhale the Kelly Rowland. Deep breaths. Go on. That’s it… Atta girl. Don’t forget to exhale the Michelle.

MARJORIE: I’m-

INTERVIEWER: Not now, Marlena. Alright, shall we get started? Now take me back to the moment you woke up. Did you sense that anything out of the norm was going to happen that day?

MARJORIE: No, actually. It started out as a pretty normal Sunday for me.

INTERVIEWER: Manuela, sweetie, I’m gonna need you to elaborate on that.

MARJORIE: I just told you – you know what? Never mind. What was I saying?

INTERVIEWER: Listen. This is only going to work if you’re completely honest with me, okay, Mariah? Relax. Take a breath. Whenever you’re ready, we can continue.

MARJORIE: Fine. Sure. Okay, then. Well, I woke up and ate breakfast as usual. Chocolate chip pancakes with powdered sugar. Light syrup. I was cleaning up my mess in the kitchen when I heard the dog barking at the door. Scamp is usually very zen, you could say. He takes after me in that way. I remember thinking that it was Sunday, so there shouldn’t have been any packages for me. I went to the door anyway. I was unaware at the time that it would be the last time I would see my door, or my dog, intact.

INTERVIEWER: Holy. Mackerel.

MARJORIE: Wait. Sorry, um, but what are you doing? Where did you get that popcorn?

INTERVIEWER: Oh, this? Did you wanna buy some? It’s my own special brand. Low-fat. Totally eco-friendly. Great for kids. I just like a lil’ something to nibble on while I work… but if it’s distracting to you, I can quickly dispose of it. I’m, like, the consummate professional. I don’t mind denying myself some food. I’ll need to practice for the hermit days ahead, right?

MARJORIE: I don’t even… never mind. So, anyway, like I was saying, I went to the door without a care in the world. I feel so stupid, looking back. Scamp was all riled-up, barking and jumping around and what-not. I just thought he was being cranky because I had just switched out his dog food for a cheaper brand. Little did I know, he was only trying to warn me.

INTERVIEWER: Oh. My. God. I totally forgot to ask what kind of dog you have.

MARJORIE: You mean had.

INTERVIEWER: What do you mean, I “mean had”?

MARJORIE: The men at the door, they killed my dog and tied me up.

INTERVIEWER: Right. Of course. I was just testing you. I had to verify that you knew your own story. You never know what kind of freaks would show up here and start making stuff up just to get their fifteen minutes of fame. The lengths some people will go to get some attention is unreal, am I right?

MARJORIE: Yeah, I guess you’re right. It’s funny, I was just talking about the Kardashians with someone. They will just not go away, will they?

INTERVIEWER: What did you say?

MARJORIE: The Kardashians. They just won’t go away. Everywhere you look… there they are, just itching to sell you something. Usually their ass on the corner. It’s funny, you kind of remind me of one of them.

INTERVIEWER: Excuse me?

MARJORIE: Your voice, I mean. It reminds me of the mom. No offense, heh. Hey, what’s her name? Christine? Kirstie? She’s my least favorite. God. Just… awful. And what’s really sad is how she thinks she’s one of the daughters. Isn’t she more of a manager than a real mother anyway? I pity her in a way. Like, I can’t imagine that being my child. Though I suppose it takes a certain level of evil genius to manage a trio of gold diggers, and Scott Disick.

INTERVIEWER: It’s such a shame.

MARJORIE: Right? Then there’s Kylie, with the duck lips. She’s the new cash cow. You know, the one that Kylie Minogue tried to sue? That was really funny, actually.

INTERVIEWER: I really wanted this to go well.

MARJORIE: Wha'd'ya mean?

INTERVIEWER: Not. Good.

MARJORIE: Are you sick or something? You seem shaky.

INTERVIEWER: Oh, Maria, honey. If only you had kept your abysmally-thin lips shut. Your gaping face wound is about to get another wound.

MARJORIE: What the hell are you doing? Oh, my… GOD! What’s happening? What are you doing? Don’t come any closer to me! What the-

INTERVIEWER / KRIS JENNER: Say good night, Mary Kate.

MARJORIE: You! Help! Someone hel-

End of video footage.