SATIRE
1. A dog searching for a bone walks 3.50 m south, then 8.20 m at an angle of 30.0° north of east, and finally 15.0 m west. He begins chasing his tail for about an hour-and-a-half before realizing that the appendage is in fact attached to his own rear, and therefore cannot be caught. He then realizes that life is pointless, so there’s no use burying a bone in the first place. Enjoy the bone right now, goddamnit, while you still have it. Life is fleeting; tomorrow is never guaranteed. Use graphical techniques to find if “he” is the correct pronoun for the dog in this scenario, or if I’m just a lunatic who thinks all life has inherent value.
2. A young man – let’s call him Albert – is lost in a maze. He makes three consecutive displacements so that at the end of the walk he is completely lost and likely to die a sad, overweight virgin. The first displacement is 8.00 m westward, and the second is 13.0 m northward. Albert’s path vaguely resembles a triangle, which sort of reminds him of a misshapen donut, which in turn makes him hungry for a Boston Kreme. He’s also turned on somehow. Use the graphical method to sort out Albert’s priorities.
3. A rock is dropped, I guess, at the same instant that a used condom at the same elevation is thrown horizontally from a seedy hotel window during an overzealous housekeeper’s Christmas shift. Which will have the greater speed when it lands on a drunk mall Santa in a nearby alley? How long will it take for the group of children walking by to realize that their innocence is newly deceased, along with Mall Santa’s dreams? Merry Christmas. And no, I don’t care about the other holidays. Get over yourselves.
4. The staples inside a stapler are kept in place by a spring with a relaxed length of 0.115 m. If the spring constant is 51 N/m, how much elastic potential energy is stored in the spring when its length is 1.150 m? These are the important things in life, kids. You’re just gonna have to trust me.
5. A 40.0 kg child is in a swing that is attached to ropes 2.00 m long. I just realized that you probably don’t know how long that is, considering we use feet and inches in America, but it’s whatever. Also, how heavy is 40.0 kg? I guess you can call me Alicia Silverstone, because I’m totally clueless. Let’s just humor me and find the gravitational potential energy associated with the child relative to the child’s lowest position under the following conditions:
a) when I decide to put my foot in front of the child’s face mid-swing
b) at the bottom of the well that I will undoubtedly end up throwing the child into, like the girl from The Ring
c) Seven days
6. How long does it take a 19 kW steam engine to make a delicious pot roast, an estimated 6.8 × 107 J of work? Disregard that it’s gluten-free and smells like pig’s feet, which means that, yet again, all of that hard work will go unappreciated. I’m sick of being the family punching bag.
7. Derek leaves his physics book on top of a drafting table that is inclined at a 35° angle because he is a forgetful douche. Seriously. He’s completely insufferable. I heard that he has gingivitis and bad credit. The fact that he happens to be my ex is simply coincidental. Find the net force acting on his stupid book, and while you’re at it, remind him that today was supposed to be our anniversary, not that he even knows what that means anymore. He was too old for me, anyway, considering that anyone still using a drafting table must have some years on them.
8. Jamie Lynn, who happens to be the namesake of Britney Spears’ younger sibling, is a museum curator moving artifacts into place on various different display surfaces. I’m just kidding. She works at McDonald’s. You should’ve seen your face.
9. A zookeeper named Annabeth is recently and inexplicably broken-up with by her boyfriend of 5.2 years. She feels like crying, but her body has been unable to produce tears since the operation. To make matters worse, she finds an escaped monkey hanging from a light pole at her dead-end job. After shouting, “Not today, Satan!” she aims her tranquilizer gun at the deranged ape, assuming that “monkey” and “ape” are terms that can be used interchangeably. No? Well, then… I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t ask you. She kneels 10.0 m from the light pole, which is 5.00 m high. The tip of her gun is 1.00 m above the feces-ridden ground. At the same moment that the monkey/ape drops a banana, Annabeth shoots. If the dart travels at 50.0 m/s, will the dart hit the monkey, the banana, or will it somehow bounce off of something and put Annabeth out of her misery? Keep in mind that she has a wooden leg. I don’t exactly know how that would have an impact on anything; I just thought I should let you know.
10. Something something rollercoaster. Isn’t learning fun?